"Look into my eyes and tell me what it is you see..."

Dear Blog,

Nothing like naming a blog after a Bone Thugs 'N Harmony song and if any of you knew that was a lyric from a BTNH song, then props to you yo!!

So, in my last post I lamented the fact that a day in my life was nothing short of funny and today is just adding to the laugh factor. You see, today I went and visited a psychic. A real, bona fide, neon signs on the door with a big hand blinking on and off, psychic. I know you know what I'm talking about. You've seen them on the sides of the road...and this one was on the side of the road as well, a lovely little road called Independence Boulevard. Otherwise known as the quagmires of Hell.

Why did I go to the psychic? To sell them an ad of course! Do you think I would really want to go visit a psychic? Hells to the NO, they scare me. I don't want people telling me what my life is going to be like, that's up to me and God thank you very much. And second of all, just for clarifications sake, this was a call-in and it was my turn to chase after the crazy apparently. I normally don't call on those that read the crystals and wear weird scarves on their head. So, anywhoodle, she freaked me out as soon as I went in, all staring at me and stuff and I knew she was sizing me up so I tried to put on my best poker face, which is soooo hard for me to do. So, immediately she says, "You are a good judge of character." And I'm thinking to myself, "So you know that you're a crock of shit cause that's what I'm judging about you right...about...NOW." I just kind of smile and try to redirect the convo back to advertising cause that's why I'm there. But, she won't quit!!! Here's how the rest of session went;

Psychic: "You are from the north."
Alison: "I'm from South Carolina."
Psychic: "I am feeling that you are from the NORTH."
Alison: "I AM FROM SOUTH CAROLINA"
Psychic: "Well, you should move north."
Alison: "I did, I moved to Charlotte, and if I have my cardinal directions correct, then Charlotte is NORTH of Columbia, SC, where I was born."
Psychic: "Well, I'm thinking that your career will flourish in Washington, DC."
Alison: "hahaha NOT"
Psychic: "Well, you need to stop chasing men and start focusing on yourself. The right man will come. This time of your life is for you. Stop chasing the men, you are just running in circles."
Alison: "I'm married."
Psychic: "Well, you need to stop spoiling your husband. Why do you feel like you need to compete for his attention. He is just going to continue to take and take from you until you have nothing."
Alison: "My husband is so not spoiled, in fact this sounds like a convo you should have with HIM."
...chuckle, chuckle...this woman SUCKS.

I think after I continually shot her down time after time, she got the point that she could not read me. I'm that good, or she's that bad. Oh well, what to the EV. I left with a signed contract.

xoxo,
Alison

TGIT

Dear Blog,

Thank goodness it's Thursday for real. Sometimes I feel like I have a handle on things and I'm sittin' on top of the world and nothing can bring me down. And then...life happens and I'm brought back down to earth. So, this week has been an "Alison, you are not the shiz, you are a dork and will always be a dork" type week.

So, Tuesday night our bff's Leigh, Kyle, Alex and Molly came over for dinner. Before they came over we ran to the groc' to pick up some last minute groceries. Alright, you know how grocery stores discount products and put them in carts in the middle of the aisles sometimes? Well, we're in the frozen food aisle gettin' some spinach and I see three carts filled to the brim with bottles of wine. So, like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to the buggy. (I tried to write cart but I'm just a buggy sayin' girl, deal with it). I pick up a bottle of wine and see this highlighted, $0.65. WHAAAAATT?? They've discounted wine down to 0.65?? Hell to the yes, we're stocking up! So I call the husby over and we're both ecstatic and picking up all of these bottles and it's hilarious because anything over 1.65, is just waaaay too much to spend on this discounted wine. At the end of our foray into bargain wine, we probably have about 15-20 bottles of wine in our buggy. We stroll up to the check out and are totally smug with our fab find. Well, when she starts ringing up the wine it's all coming up at like $10/bottle...hmmm..this seems suspicious. I cautiously pick up a bottle. I inspect the bottle. I realize that I am a blooming idiot. I was looking at the SAVINGS...not the PRICE. Big difference. BIG. HUGE!
"Um...Miss Cashier, I'm afraid there's been a mistake, you see, I thought this wine was 65 cents, not $9. I'm afraid we don't want any of this wine"
"None? You don't want none?"
"Correct. We don't want none."
Meanwhile, my face is totally turning red and I'm mortified because people were starting to stare. Lucky for me, I had husby with me. I probably would have run out of the Harris Teeter had I been by myself. One of the many positives about being married :) Cheesy wink and smile.

Our dinner party went great, thanks for asking. The next day, I wake up and am about to enjoy my 7 minute commute to work. Vrooooom...wow, my car is feeling funny. Maybe my engine is just not used to this balmy weather since it's been so hot all summer. Y'all, my ENTIRE ride to work was ridiculous...I was being bounced up and down and I thought Ashton Kutcher came and installed hydraulics in my car and I was being punked!!! I was literally bouncing up and down, side to side, to and fro. So, for my normally calm ride to work I was frantically dialing anyone I knew who knew anything about cars. As soon as I could I thumped and bumped my hydraulic ride over to the car fixing place.

$225 later, it's all good and I can't wait until my car screws me again.
What to the ev. Tomorrow's Friday.

xoxo,
Alison

10 Things I Hate About You

Dear Blog,
Ahhhh what to say, what to say? One thing I do want to say is I am HIGHLY disappointed in the amount of comments I've been receiving as of late. I blog for my fans, not for myself. Blogging is a selfless activity, remember that. So, your challenge is this, leave a comment for goodness sake. A couple of people have said, "Al...we're not cool enough to write on your blog" And my answer is this, not commenting makes you LESS COOL. So there. Bitch.

Since fall is rapidly approaching and peeps are busting out their fall best, I thought I'd write in 10 things in your wardrobe that maybe you should retire...and I'll probably write in a few things that I just DON'T like regardless of the season. Remember, this is my opinion. If you wear some of the things I write about then you can do two things. Stop reading the blog because I've hurt your feelings OR you can stop looking ridic. Because you do.

1. Acrylic Nails Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!! I hate these! Guess what? They don't look real. Opt for a nice manicure.
2. Chunky heeled boots. Remember those boots you bought about 7 years ago...they canNOT pass for stylish or even mediocre in today's work/fun environment. Retire them. Don't think you can put them on and just slide by unnoticed. You can't. There are people like me out there who will notice and shake their head in disdain.
3. Dress pants for women paired with a loafer. Flats and dress pants=stumpy legs. Enough said.
4. Micro fiber dress pants that we all bought from The Limited at one point...AHHHHH!! CODE RED! CODE RED! Run away screaming from those things!!!
5. Any sort of camoflage themed pant, skirt, shirt. Burn it, or go outside and shoot it. I don't care. Just don't wear it out and think you're cute.
6. Those black pointy knee high boots paired with a skirt. Commonly referred to as f**k me boots...there is a reason for that. You look like a 2 dollar harlot.
7. Tights/hose with a hole or run in them. Obvy.
8. Chipped fingernail polish...have some respect for yourself for goodness sake.
9. Chandelier earrings. I mean...these are okay but look a little dated.
10. Sweaters that are pilled, ick. An easy way to make your clothes look older.

The end.

Maybe next week I will write in 10 things I love about you!

xoxo,
Al

P.S Does anyone else think J Wahl is looking pretty cute these days? And that Heidi looks like a horse?? Cause, I do.

Tuesday..woohoo

Dear Blog,

Is anyone else feeling blah this week? If it's just me then I'll feel like a total loser cause I just can't seem to pull it all together. I really think my blah-ness had to do with Britney's "performance" at the VMA's on Sunday night. I wasn't going to bring that up because do we really need to discuss? But, I had to because it was just THAT BAD. THAT BAD. I was so bummed out that she couldn't get her sh*t together and Aaron was all "why do you care?" I DON'T KNOW. I. DON'T. KNOW. I just do alright. Lay off me.

In other news, today is l'onze septembre for those of you who are french speakers and for those of you who aren't, that means September 11th. Addy, six years ago we were in France with the coolest group of kids ever. Anyway, I don't know about mon amie Adelaide but Sept. 11 didn't/doesn't affect me like it does everyone else. I guess because I was thousands of miles away from the U.S and while everyone else was mourning this huge tragedy while me and my french family were chowing down on baguettes and conjugating the passe compose. Don't get me wrong...I understand the enormity of the day and what it means to a lot of people but when people recall that day it will bring tears to their eyes and that just doesn't happen to me. Is that bad? Discuss.

In other, other news, I have an It Girls client!! I have a real bona fide client that I will be shopping for. I love shopping like Britney loves cheetos and Fanta or Amy Winehouse loves heroin...alright bad example. But, I do love me some shopping and a while ago I thought I should try and do some personal shopping in my spare time because SOOOOO many people need it. Well, since my husby is a graphic designer he made me some awesome business cards and a great website, check it out, www.itgirls.us
I advertised my services in skirt! magazine and what do you know, advertising really works :) I know you're all DYING to know how it goes, I'll keep you posted.

xoxo,
Alison

P.S Aaron thinks I don't mention him enough in my blogs so here is a shout out--Hey Aaron....I'm mentioning you in my blog :) I'll put a picture up too.

An Inner Monologue

**The following is a true story based on a true events in for true life. No names have been changed because I do not know the names of the people that I am about to blog about and if their names really are Nancy Nerd and Gary Goober, then that is their problem and not mine.**

Alright, so, I think we all know that Aaron and I went to Wilmington last weekend for the Labor Day and stayed at a B&B. I didn't realize how nervous I was going to be about staying at a B&B until we got there and I'm all scared because what if the people are complete psychos and we have to stay there because our money is non-refundable? When we drive up I turn into complete chicken shit and make Aaron go in first to check it out because I'm too nervous. You see, I have this problem where all of my inner thoughts and feelings are very well noticed on my face. Apparently I give really mean faces and I have no clue. Sorry peeps, just don't offend and you'll be off my list. I didn't want the owners to hate me if I thought their house was complete crap. It turned out to be fine and we loved it blah blah blah. Well another thing about staying at someone's HOUSE is that you have to talk to like, other people, when you eat breakfast. Harrowing. I'm in sales and I can talk to people no problem, but they gotta give something back you know. Alright, so witness the scene that occurred the following morning during breakfast time.

Aaron and Alison arrive first to breakfast (because we are pigs) and are promptly seated. Host tells us that we will be joined by only one other couple. Great. We have no out.

Other couple enters the dining room. Appearing to be rather nerd like.

Alison mutters under her breath to Aaron: "This outta be fun."
Aaron to Alison: "Be quiet. Be nice."
Alison: "yeah yeah"

Nancy Nerd and Gary Goober sit down.

Silence.

"Hi I'm Alison and this is my husby Aaron."

"Nice to meet you, we're Nancy Nerd and Gary Goober."

"Likewise."

Alison to self, "Who the hell says likewise anymore? And what am I likewise about? My name is not Nancy Nerd or Gary Goober."

The inevitable question arises;

Alison: "So....where do y'all live?"

Nancy Nerd: "Durham, we go to grad school there."

Alison: "Oh, so you go to Duke?"

Gary Goober: "Yep."

Aaron: "Do you follow their basketball team? I've always wanted to go to a game there because of the atmosphere."

Nancy and Gary in unison: "Yep."

Alison to self..."ahhhhhh, I'm dying here!! Throw me a freakin' bone you damn nerds."

Alison: "So what are you two studying in grad school"

Nancy Nerd: "Neurobiology"

Alison to self: "WTF? Neurobiology...you don't like meet those people on a normal basis?? Why do we have to sit with freaking neuro biologists over eggs at breakfast? Is God just trying to make me feel stupid?? What to the EV Alison, you're smart. Wait a minute, you just said 'what to the Ev' Smart people don't say that. You really need to get new friends who don't talk like complete morons."

Alison to Nancy: "That sounds interesting. Are you doing research?"

Nancy Nerd: "Yep. I research how to make paraplegics more independent and mobile by installing computer chips in their brain so they can function via remote controls and computers:

Alison to self: "AHHHHHHHHHHHH....please don't ask me what I do, please don't ask me what I do, please don't ask me what I do."

Nancy Nerd to Alison: "What do you do?"

Alison: "I sell ads for a SouthEastern women's magazine."

Silence.

Chewing.

More chewing.

Drink coffee.

Alison to Nancy: "It's very fulfilling and you know, glamorous. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. I get to go to fashion shows at Neiman Marcus and yep......"

Alison to self: "Yep. You are pretty much sucking at life right now."

Alison to group: "Wow, this breakfast is FANTASTIC!!!"

Nancy Nerd and Gary Goober: "Yep."

xoxo,
Alison